I just had my second child, a daughter, in September. She is 5 years younger than my oldest, which is itself a transition. We were past the sleep deprived nights, the baby proofing and teething. We had made it through the “terrible twos,” and here we were, with a newborn. Going from one child to two is an adjustment for anyone, but for me, an only child, it felt like a completely new world.
I always wanted to have a child, but I didn’t plan much further than that. I never wanted a large family. I was content with my upbringing and enjoyed being an only child for the most part. I have a close relationship with my parents, arguably closer than most. I feel like any loneliness or boredom in my youth allowed me the stretch my creative wings. I think a lot of my strengths come from my experience as an only child.
I see a lot of these qualities in my firstborn; she is independent, creative and has always been able to entertain herself, finding things to do and playing solo without issue. When I found out I was pregnant again, I started questioning the uncertainty of the future with two kids. What was it like to have a sibling dynamic? How would I balance my time between two? I had been the only one, I never had to fight for attention so what would I do when that happened between my daughters? How would I handle something so unknown to me?
Trying to prepare for something so unfamiliar was difficult for me. Being a planner, the lack of experience was rough. Thankfully, I have many friends with multiples who offered support and advice. One of my best friends, an only child herself who now has two boys, helped put my mind at ease. She said she was unprepared as well, but watching them together eased any worries she had. As we do with so many things in motherhood, when a situation arises, we handle it. We lean on our instincts and trust in ourselves and learn what works and what doesn’t. It isn’t always easy, but we are moms and that’s what we do.
It has been challenging to live a different reality than I was used to, but it has also been beautiful. I get to see my daughters creating a relationship I never had. I am experiencing something new with them, which is also special. I love the moments I catch my oldest singing to her baby sister and watching her little sister smile and reach for her. Hearing them laugh together makes my heart more full than I thought possible. I am happy for the relationship they share, and I have hopes for that relationship to deepen as they grow. I look forward to the late night giggles they will share, the worlds they will create in play together and the bond I already see developing.
I know there will inevitably be spats over sharing toys and clothes and what movies to watch, as I am told comes with the territory of having a sibling. We will have to make time for everyone’s chosen activities, and there will be growing pains. I will want to have a clone to be there for everyone all the time, but as we say in my house “mom isn’t an octopus!” (If only we had a few more arms, right?)
This journey has been a learning experience, from finding balance between meeting everyone’s needs to sharing my attention. While I am still a work in progress, something that has helped me is remembering that it’s OK not to be perfect. And, it’s OK for them to see that.
We are all in this together and with some patience and love, we are learning and finding our groove.
